THE FILIPINO FAMILY IN TRANSITION

01 February 2025

Rachel is the mother of two boys: Henry, aged thirteen and Nicky, aged eight. Still only in her mid-40s, she is the general manager of a large luxury condominium in Taguig City – a well-paid and stable job.  Because she earns more than her husband Bernie, but has long hours of work away from home, the couple has decided that Bernie would stay home to take care of the boys when Rachel is at work.  Bernie only manages a small poultry farm and takes care of two apartments he is leasing out. He thus has more flexible time. In return, Rachel would take the boys out on Saturdays so Bernie could meet up with his friends. Sunday is reserved for the family. The couple thinks this seems like an ideal situation.

Rachel, however, confesses that this clear division of responsibility was only decided recently, and the couple hasn’t yet tried if it would work. Heretofore, there has been less structure in the house, with Rachel and Bernie haphazardly juggling their hours between home and work, and with the household helpers minding the boys when both parents were out. It required an accident to happen before the couple realised that something had to be done. Rachel narrates the incident thus:

“It was late in the afternoon a month ago when I got the call. I thought it was again one of the staff complaining about something trivial. After a full day, I was tired, so I probably came across as rather grumpy. But it was the police. It seemed that my son Henry crashed his bike into a car. Not to worry because no one was hurt, but I needed to go to the site and help settle things. I was shocked! It took me a while before I remembered to call my husband.

“When we arrived at the scene, a couple of policemen and some onlookers were crowding around the car with its dented bumpers and hood. I, of course, immediately looked for Henry. He was sitting at the curb crying. Seeing me, he immediately ran and hugged me tightly. I searched for injuries and saw only a minor gash on his right elbow, but his bike was a mess—he must have been going fast! He was profusely apologetic, asking me not to tell his dad before he saw Bernie talking to the police officers and the owner of the car. Luckily, the owner was very civil, and after we offered to pay for the damage, everything was settled, and we could drive back home.

“After the boys had gone to bed, Bernie and I talked well into the night. Why had Henry again disobeyed me? I only allowed him to ride his bike within our gated community. Apparently, he had biked some twenty-five minutes away from our residence, supposedly to meet his bike friends on C6 Highway, a major thoroughfare in the city!

“I consulted Bernie about an appropriate form of punishment. I couldn’t take my slippers to hit Henry again because he was getting too old now, and besides, it didn’t seem to have worked in the past.  Thank goodness he hasn’t answered me back yet, but what if, in future, he would do that?  I was raising him only the way I remember things when I was young. My mother would beat my siblings and me with a broom for various infractions, such as when we were still out after dark. That’s how we learned to obey.

“Bernie said this was passeé.  “Iba na ang panahon ngayon.  Isusumbong ka pa niyan sa pulis na child abuse daw.” (Times have changed, you can get reported to the police and accused of child abuse). On this remark, we had a good fight. Why was I always the bad cop and he the good cop?

“His retort:  then, why did he ask you not to tell me? That’s because he didn’t want to disappoint me.  The boys hardly see you—you leave before they’re up and come home after they’ve gone to bed.  And you’re always tired, even during weekends. Who goes with them to the movies or the amusement arcade?  Kinakantiawan nga ako ng mga kaibigan ko, under the saya daw ako. 'Pag nag inuman kami, ilang beer lang, uwi na ako. Kasi napakaliit ng allowance na binibigay mo sa akin.’ (My friends are teasing me that I am hen-pecked.  When we go drinking, I just have a couple of beers, then I get going because the pocket money you give me is too small).

“It was about him again!  ‘E kasi, if I gave you a bigger allowance, you might simply waste it on booze and chicks, like your friend Ne`stor.’ “*

Without admitting to Bernie, however, Rachel was reassessing their lifestyle. She was trying hard, but it seemed no one in her family was happy. They lived comfortably in a gated subdivision in Parañaque, had two household helpers, and the boys went to a private school with its high fees. But the family leads separate lives. Even on Sundays, when they had dinner together, each one was busy with their smartphones.  Not that Rachel minded this because she herself was occupied exchanging texts.  Even little Nicky was engrossed in his computer games.

Rachel grew up in Pangasinan where life was ok lang, certainly a lot simpler than her current one.  Her mother was a teacher and her father a successful trader—she a strict disciplinarian, he more easy-going.  It was Rachel who was the ambitious one in the family.  After finishing university, she managed to get to Singapore as an OJT (on-the-job trainee) in a large hotel.  The company sponsored her application to remain in the country when her training period was over, and she quickly rose to a managerial position. Soon after, she met Bernie, who was working in the same hotel.

The couple wanted a child, but Rachel was always stressed by her difficult job.  Five years later, she had an opportunity to work in the same hotel chain in Manila, and the couple decided to return home.  Her local pay was not as good--not by Singapore standards--but the pace of life in the Philippines was slower.  Moreover, both their parents were getting old, so it was good to live close by.

Soon after resettling in Manila, Rachel had Henry, and after several years, Nicky.  She thought she now had everything—a well-paying job that she enjoyed, a husband who loved her and was supportive of everything she wanted to do, and sons whom she could raise as her parents had raised her and her siblings. 

But she was disappointed in Bernie as a father. Why was he treating their boys as though he was their friend rather than their father? She remembered how her parents kept some distance so that their authority was recognised. You don’t have to obey your friend, but you must obey your parents, full stop.

Her two boys were growing up differently. Henry was not very interested in school but was devoted to his bike and all bike-related activities. And he was madiskarte (enterprising), already making money at thirteen selling bicycle accessories to his classmates.  On the other hand, Nicky was more academically inclined. His ambition was to become a doctor of humans, or dolphins, or dogs—incidentally, why couldn’t he have a dog?

It was the parents' responsibility to guide their children, but Bernie was remiss in this job. So, it was up to her to correct the boys when they did something wrong, remind them when they forgot her instructions yet again, and, yes, punish them when they refused to obey. But Rachel could sense it—there was something basically wrong. Henry, for example, kept disobeying her and did not seem to listen, even as she repeatedly scolded him.

It was in this state of mind that Rachel met the interviewers and, at the end of her narration, to ask them: what was she doing wrong, and what was she to do?

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*Traditionally, the Filipino practice has been for the husband to be the provider, and the wife the caretaker of the home.  As such, the husband would hand over his earnings to his wife as support for the family, and she, in turn, would give him money to spend for himself.  The rest would be allocated to the needs of the family, hopefully with some savings set aside for rainy days.  In effect, it has been the wife who held the purse strings and managed the finances of the household.  With dual incomes, the more modern families make financial management a joint effort.

Commentary:

I remember my childhood years during the ‘60s. As my parents could well afford our schooling, we five siblings--my brothers, sisters, and I--were all expected to, and did, finish university. There was no gender discrimination in our education, but there were strict gender roles. For example, the girls were trained to mind the house—to learn to cook, clean, supervise our house helpers, and manage the household budget. The boys were free to explore the town and play with friends outside the house, although one of my brothers was later apprenticed by my father to succeed him in his business.

My oldest sister married soon after graduation. Then, she decided she was going to look for a job. My mother was aghast. “What would people say,” she was concerned, “That your husband can’t support you”? My mother thought wives didn’t work unless the family needed money. Instead, her role was to raise the children and manage the household. Since even adult children had to obey their parents, my sister had difficulty convincing my mother that times were changing. Having been exposed to Western influences during her studies there, she wanted a meaningful and fulfilling career aside from being a wife and mother. Luckily, she was by then back in the Philippines, where she could enjoy the support of extended family and house helpers.

Flash forward some 50 years later. It’s not unusual for a couple to both work; in many instances, the wife may even earn more than her husband, as did Rachel in our story above. Notwithstanding gender obstacles at work and at home**, this number could increase in future as more women than men achieve academic excellence.  

Due to globalisation and the ubiquity of mass and social media, Filipinos are aware of influences from the West, and our characteristic openness makes us receptive to these influences. In fact, it is often posited that as a country modernises, it increasingly aligns itself with global trends dominated by the rich West.

In line with the nurturing role of parents, child-rearing practices have evolved. Benjamin Franklin’s old adage “Spare the rod and spoil the child” is now illegal, but we haven’t yet accepted the rationale behind it, i.e., that children, too, have rights. (On the other hand, parents should recognize the fact that lacking maturity, these rights—unreasoned--could lead children to feelings of entitlement).

In contrast to Western countries, which are often more egalitarian and accepting of these new norms, we have so far remained steeply hierarchical. Many parents are still de facto autocrats, scolding their children instead of having quiet conversations to explain the “whys” and the “hows”, trusting in their children’s abilities to understand. Rachel’s do-it-because-I-say-so decree no longer works, but neither does the absence of a judicious guardian. It is too often that children’s unacceptable behaviours are tolerated so much so that they don’t learn self-discipline and postponement of gratification. Thus, when we complain of our “dysfunctional cultural values”, we can often go back to our child-rearing practices.

The fact that households are increasingly consisting of nuclear instead of extended families means that children are often left bereft of guidance. Often gone are the days when we could entrust our children to members of our extended family. Without guidance, we are failing to teach our kids—often with questioning minds in their early years—how to process their experiences so they can think critically, a skill badly needed for their personal development.

Pundits say there is usually a lag time between the introduction of a change element and its adoption. The reason many people like Rachel are conflicted is that they have difficulty grappling with these changes--transitioning from their own experiences during childhood to the new behavioural norms of the present. They lose consistency as they process the push and pull of one change element over another in a shifting society. We all know that consistency is one of the hallmarks of successful child-rearing activities.

Rachel demands that Bernie take a more active role in child rearing and household activities yet insists that she keeps the purse strings. She accepts that scoldings don’t work anymore but refuses to chat quietly with Henry to discuss what has happened, simply standing firm that he obeys. (I wonder what she would have done had Henry answered her back). She admits she has little time for the kids but refuses to change to a less demanding job, or to have an in-law live with them, even as Bernie’s mother is open to the possibility.  These internal conflicts--when she cannot emotionally accept what she thinks to be right--result in inconsistency when raising her children. 

That she agrees that something needs to be done, and that she is open to an alternate activity structure with Bernie, are the first steps towards self-awareness and openness to change. Ultimately, standing apart as though she were another person, she has to be willing to make the necessary trade-offs for her family’s well-being. 

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** Despite their higher academic achievements, women in paid work at Philippine corporations still face major hurdles relative to men. The exception is in organisations owned by their families, where they often act as treasurers. This is surprising as the World Bank Report of 2022 states that the Philippines ranks 1st in gender equality amongst Asian countries and 17th globally.