THE FILIPINO FAMILY IN TRANSITION
10 August 2024
Rachel was the mother of two boys: Henry, aged thirteen and Nicky, aged eight. Still only in her early 40s, she was general manager of a large luxury condominium in Taguig City – a well-paid and stable job. Because she was earning more than her husband Bernie, but had long hours of work away from home, the couple decided that Bernie would stay home to take care of the boys. He had more flexible hours as he only managed a small poultry farm and a couple of apartments he was renting out. In return, Rachel would take out the boys on Saturdays so Bernie could meet up with his friends.
This clear division of tasks happened quite recently. Before that, there was less structure in the house, with Rachel and Bernie haphazardly juggling their hours between home and work, and the helpers generally minding the boys when both parents were out. It required an accident to happen before the couple realized that something had to be done. Rachel narrated the incident thus:
“It was late in the afternoon when I got the call. I thought it was again one of the staff complaining about something trivial. After a full day, I was tired, so I probably came across as rather grumpy. But it was the police. It seemed that my son Henry crashed his bike into a car. Not to worry because no one was hurt, but I needed to go to the site and help settle things. I was shocked! It took me a while before I remembered to call my husband.
“When we arrived at the scene, a couple of policemen and some onlookers were crowding around the car with its dented bumpers and hood. I, of course, immediately looked for Henry. He was sitting at the curb crying. Seeing me, he immediately ran and hugged me tightly. I searched for injuries and saw only a minor gash on his right elbow, but his bike was a mess—he must have been going fast! He was profusely apologetic, asking me not to tell his dad before he saw Bernie talking to the police officers and the owner of the car. Luckily, the owner was very civil, and after we offered to pay for the damage, everything was settled, and we could drive back home.
“After the boys had gone to bed, Bernie and I talked well into the night. Why had Henry again disobeyed me? I only allowed him to ride his bike within our gated community. Apparently, he had biked some twenty-five minutes away from our residence, supposedly to meet his bike friends on C6 Highway, a major thoroughfare in the city!
“I consulted Bernie about an appropriate form of punishment. I couldn’t hit Henry again with my slippers because he was getting too old now, and besides, it didn’t seem to work in the past. But that was how I remembered things when I was young. My mother would beat my siblings and me with a broom for various infractions, for example, when we were still out of the house after dark. That’s how we learned to obey.
“Bernie said this was passeé. 'Iba na ang panahon ngayon. Isusumbong ka pa niyan sa pulis na child abuse daw.' (Times have changed, you can get reported to the police and accused of child abuse). On this remark, we had a good fight. Why was I always the bad cop and he the good cop?
“His retort: 'Then, why did he ask you not to tell me? That’s because he didn’t want to disappoint me. The boys hardly see you—you leave before they’re up and come home after they’ve gone to bed. And you’re always tired, even during the weekends. Who goes with them to the movies, or to the amusement arcade? Kinakantiyawan nga ako ng mga kaibigan ko, ander da saya daw ako. 'Pag nag inuman kami, ilang beer lang, uuwi na ako. Kasi napakaliit ng allowance na binibigay mo sa akin.’ (My friends are teasing me that I am henpecked. When we go drinking, I just have a beer or two, then I have to get going because the pocket money you give me is too small).
“It was about him again! ‘E kasi, if I gave you a bigger allowance, you might simply waste it on booze and chicks, like your friend Nestor.’ "*
Without telling Bernie, however, Rachel was reassessing their lifestyle. She was trying hard, but it seemed no one in her family was happy. They lived comfortably in a house in a gated subdivision in Parañaque, had two house helpers, and the boys went to private schools. But they lead separate lives. Even during Sunday dinners together, each of them would be busy with their smartphones. Not that Rachel minded this because she herself would be occupied exchanging texts. Even little Nicky would be engrossed in his computer games.
Rachel grew up in Pangasinan where life was ok lang, certainly a lot simpler than her current one. Her mother was a teacher and her father a successful trader—she a strict disciplinarian, he more easy-going. It was Rachel who was the ambitious one in the family. After finishing university, she managed to get to Singapore as an OJT (on-the-job trainee) in a large hotel. The company sponsored her application to remain in the country when her training period was over, and she quickly rose up the ranks until she became the head of housekeeping. Soon after, she met Bernie, who was working in the same hotel.
The couple wanted a child, but Rachel was always tired from work. Five years later, she had an opportunity to work in the same hotel chain in Manila, and the couple decided to return home. Life in the Philippines would be less hectic. Moreover, both their parents were getting old, so it would be good to live close by.
It was soon after resettling in Manila that Rachel had Henry, and after several years, Nicky. She thought she now had everything—a well-paying job that she enjoyed, a husband who loved her and was supportive of everything she wanted to do, and sons whom she could raise as her parents had raised her and her siblings.
But she was disappointed in Bernie as a father. Why was he treating their boys as though he was their friend rather than their father? She remembered how her parents kept some distance so that their authority was recognized. You don’t have to obey your friends, but you have to obey your parents, full stop.
Her two boys were growing up differently. Henry was not very interested in school but was devoted to his bike and all bike-related activities. And he was madiskarte (enterprising), already making money at thirteen. On the other hand, Nicky was more academically inclined. His ambition was to become a doctor, either of humans or of dogs—incidentally, why couldn’t he have a dog?
The responsibility of the parents was to guide their children, but Bernie was remiss in this job. So, it was up to her to correct the boys when they did something wrong, to remind them when they forgot her instructions yet again, and yes, to punish them when they refused to obey. But Rachel could sense it—there was something basically wrong. Henry, for example, kept disobeying her and did not seem to listen even as she repeatedly scolded him.
It was in this state of mind that Rachel met the interviewers, and at the end of her narration to ask them: where did she go wrong? What was she to do?
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*Traditionally, the Filipino practice has been for the husband to be the provider, and the wife the caretaker of the home. As such, the husband would hand over his earnings to his wife as support for the family, and she, in turn, would give him money to spend for himself. The rest would be allocated to the needs of the family, hopefully with some savings set aside for rainy days. In effect, historically, it has been the wife who held the purse strings and managed the finances of the household. Now, with dual incomes, more modern families make financial management a joint effort.
Nicky and Henry